First Snow 2015

I am enjoying the falling snow, since I don't have to go out. I spend most of my days in bed facing the windowed door to the balcony. I have always enjoyed the view of my flowers when it is warm and snow in the winter. Most of all I enjoyed watching the birds. I have neglected them the past 8 months. It's been a bad spell since May. Not sure what happened. I remember there was "another snowfall" of some environmental toxin. Everything was covered in a yellow powdered. I heard there have been careless cropped dusters. Not sure what it was. It burned my skin so I wore gloves to clean up what I could...not thinking about breathing it in.

Anyway, I starting having difficulty breathing. Just added one more thing to all the pain and fatigue I was already dealing with. I am use to bad spells. Needless to say the little I was able to do got neglected. The flowers became overgrown with weeds...still enjoyed looked at the weeds...they were green anyway. I didn't fill my bird feeders, not only from fatigue, but my car died in June and wasn't able to get to the store very often to buy seed. It is all I can do to get food for myself. My car is still in the shop, trying to figure out what is wrong with my Nissan. I have heard they can be difficult to diagnose.

In November, I finally went to a new doctor. He sent me to a pulmonary doctor. She questioned Pulmonary Hypertension, with all the autoimmune issues I have. The ANA and Sed rate came back positive and she wants me to see a Rheumatologist. I am not interested in immune suppressants unless it seriously affects my lungs. So far I am on the border of acceptable. She did put me back on an inhaler. The problem is I can't open my mouth enough to get the medication to my lungs. 

I also had a sleep study. Apparently I have severe sleep apena with central sleep apena. Central sleep apnea occurs because your brain doesn't send proper signals to the muscles that control your breathing. This condition is different from obstructive sleep apnea, in which you can't breathe normally because of upper airway obstruction. It is part of the autonomic nervous system. I have been diagnosed with autonomic nervous system dysfunction so it is possible there is a connection. I have started using a Cpap. It does seem to be helping. Hopefully things can start turning for the better.

I really should get out and feed the birds. I just saw a Cardinal looking for seed.
They are so pretty against the white snow.

Times like this I don't mind not having a car. Wouldn't look forward to shoveling out my car.

My CPAP

The ResMed AirSense 10 AutoSet APAP is an auto Adjusting CPAP. An APAP is designed to deliver your ideal pressure, on a breath by breath basis, increasing pressure when it's too low and decreasing pressure when it's too high.

The AirSense 10 differentiates between obstructive and central apneas so that you are always receiving appropriate therapy and pressure. It features an integrated humidifier, built in wireless communications,  AutoRamp™ with sleep onset detection, quiet Easy-Breathe motor, and expiratory pressure relief.

A Blessing for the New Year

Heavenly Father, 

We pray that You would give us joy to fill our days, peace to fill our hearts, and love to fill our lives.

Thank You for the plans You have for us in this new year. We wait in anticipation to see all You will do!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The Christmas Season

Christmas can be a difficult season when you are dealing with chronic pain and illness.

I have come to realize it is important decorate, even if it is only a few cards and ribbons. There have been times when I felt like why bother... "Bah! Humbug!"

I live alone in a small apartment...no one's going to see it anyway. Then I had to realize I am going to see it...and I am important too!

I am grateful for this little tree someone gave me. I may not have much, nor have a lot of energy to decorate, but I do enjoy this reminder of the season.

Clocks

Ever since I was a little girl and saw my first cuckoo I have been fascinated by clocks. Of course, when people find out you like something, that's what you begin to get as gifts. Needless to say I have a lot of clocks. I usually enjoy them except on daylight savings days. I have just finished changing all my clocks, except the one that I need a ladder and pliers to change. Maybe I will let it wait until the time changes again, then it will be correct half the year.

It makes me wonder...do I really need all these clocks. I enjoy them the rest of the year. I need them in every room, since I can go to another room and forget the time I just looked at. I rarely leave my apartment so I try to keep track of the days and time or my mind might really disappear. I have been thinking about adding a clock with the date and day of the week. I try to keep track on the calendar.

Living with chronic pain and being homebound has many challenges. Even if you don't have a brain injury it can affect your mind. That's why I think it is so important to keep track of time. It not only makes you remember, but keeps the days from blurring into oblivion. I find it is important to sleep on time. I know it is difficult when you are in pain, but I have found if you force yourself to go to bed at the same time and get out of bed 8 hours later you feel much better.

I take Neurontin at bed time. It not only helps me sleep; but takes care of the hot flashes, for those women of a certain age, that can wake you up. I also take Vistaril, which helps with my bladder so I don't wake up to go to the toilet. The most important thing I can stress, if you have sleep problems, is don't have any caffeine after 3pm. That includes coffee, tea, chocolate, energy drinks, mountain dew...read the labels.

Many of the people I know on disability have very erratic sleeping habits and then wonder why they feel so "bad." There is a different between the pain of your condition and the "bad" of "bad" habits. They eat poorly, stay up late, sleep in, and nap through the day...whew...I wouldn't be able to get out of bed if I did all of that. If anyone dare make suggestions they usually get their head chopped off, since most people with chronic conditions also suffer with depression.

I find the best solution is prayer and keeping your mouth shut! If you haven't dealt with a serious chronic condition you have no idea what the other person is going through or what they can handle. So...pray for healing, pray for wisdom, pray for patience. You do not help by giving unsolicited advise. You help by praying. I believe God is in control. I also believe in Physicians and medications.

Above all, I believe in God's perfect timing. I have faith that God has heard my prayers, and I know that he will answer them when the time is right. God's timing is perfect. However, even time itself is different to God than it is to us. "But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day" 2 Peter 3:8.
 

Family Reunion

All my siblings got together for the first time since my mother passed away in 1988.

Diane, Brenda, and Donna on my balcony June 2014.

David [NY], Diane [TX], Pat [TX], and Donna [IN] at Donna's 50th High School class reunion. 

Waiting For The Snow to Melt

I don't get out very often, but every couple of weeks I try to get to the store. During our last snow storm I had planned on going shopping. With one look out my window I decided to wait for the snow to melt... there will be sunshine in a couple of days. It seems I have spent a lot of time waiting. Waiting to write until I feel better...waiting for the sunshine.

I told myself it didn't matter. What did I really have to say anyway. Bottom line, it is not about what I have to say...it is about what God has to say and Christ in me. There have been so many lessons the Holy Spirit has put on my heart. I would discuss a few with friends and think..."I will put that down when I feel better." Well...feel better never came...feel better may never come. Maybe that is the greater lesson. The lesson of perseverance in adversity.

I struggle believing that people can be blessed even with something that is less than perfect. It is not about "me" anyway...It is... "Christ in me, the hope of glory" Colossians 1-27. Instead of waiting for the sunshine...I needed to wait for the Son to Shine. I have let in too much darkness. The enemy had me thinking I just might take these lessons to the grave.

Sometimes when I walk around the cemetery while visiting my parents graves I think "this is probably the largest collection of unfulfilled dreams...people who died before their visions were realized." I pray I can endure. I pray I don't die before my visions are realized. I pray I don't let the enemy steal my dreams. I pray I can begin to live an abundant life. For my friends who might be struggling also...

Don't die before your visions are realized. Don't let the enemy still your dreams. Don't wait to live an abundant life. This post by Timothy Mauch summed up my thoughts: "Many of us have dreams that are unfulfilled, visions that are unrealized. Not that we planned it that way. It’s just that life got in the way.

In the idealism of our youth we envisioned changing the world. We were going to make a difference. We had this music within us waiting to be expressed. We were going to write that great novel opening the minds and hearts of everyone to the possibilities that existed. Our social agenda was going to usher in a new era of hope and equality. Our entrepreneurial skills and ideas were going to be the bench mark for modern business and industry. But it didn’t happen.

It wasn’t that the ideas weren’t good enough or that we didn’t have the skills and abilities. It’s just that talking about it and dreaming about it aren’t enough. Sooner or later you have to launch out on that unpredictable and intangible journey of believing. To watch the dreams be born into reality and see them unfold before our eyes. To let go of the “for sure” and to stand with the intangible, the “what if” and believe. To believe in the vision and the source of the vision, He who knows all and has our best interest at heart.

For many of us, however, the importance of our dream was lost in a sea of things that demanded our attention, our time, our effort. Not later, but now! And the vision lay abandoned and neglected. Replaced by grocery shopping and alarm clocks. And so the vision was relegated to next week, next month, next year. Pushed off to some more convenient, more prosperous time down the road called, “never”. Oh, we didn’t call it that. We called it amusing things like, “after we’re established” , “after we raise the kids” , “when things get easier” and “when we retire”. Smoke screens for “phoney baloney” believing, designed to numb the memory of a path not travelled, an adventure not lived.

And yet, it isn’t too late! There is a calling, faint, as if off in the distance. Gently wooing us back to that which we were created for. To live out that dream. To really live not just exist. To create with the Creator and to believe that He has called us to something extraordinary. A life of dreams and passion and excitement. The abundant life." 
1 For The Road  by Timothy Mauch

To Be Like Chocolate

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

I love chocolate. I wish I was more like chocolate. To be sweet, good, and have most people like you. Recently I have been making smoothies with chocolate, chia seeds, and frozen fruit. I used up all the strawberries, pineapple, peaches, and bananas. All I had was blueberries. I didn't think it would taste good with chocolate and I didn't feel up to going to the store...so I thought why not. It was a bit unusual, but I realized just about anything tastes good with chocolate.

I am not like chocolate. I use to be more like vinegar, not very tasty, but does a good job cleaning. Now I am more like stale bread. Not what you would prefer, but useable. Of course, this is looking from the world's eyes not from God's eye's. I know in God’s eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. I wrote a blog on  In God's Eye's, but sometimes it is difficult to see myself with God's eyes. The age old dilemma...love God...struggle with loving yourself, especially when you are broken.

I have a friend who is like chocolate, sweet and kind. We would chuckle at how I always wanted to be like her and she wanted to be like me. I wanted to be sweet and kind, she wanted to be strong and smart. Then we would realize we each had the gifts God intended for us to use. Each of us have been given the gifts to be used for our unique and individual God given purpose. The devil wants us to question our gifts, question our calling, question our journey.  For those who struggle also...

We need to stop listening to the lies of the devil and find contentment in the gifts we have. Most of all, we need to find contentment in our unique journey. While I struggle with pain and isolation, some people struggle with busyness and popularity. I live in poverty, while others live in luxury and struggle taking care of everything. Though we all may be very different, God loves us all the same. Whatever our struggles may be, there is contentment in God through His son Jesus. In Him anything can taste good. In Him there is hope for the journey... there is...

Sweet Contentment by Lianna Klassen

There's a place of sweet contentment, but that place is a harder journey than it seems.
And the journey is a mystery till the sight of He who lights the way for eyes to see.
Even though I am a child and I quickly lose my way.
And that place of sweet contentment grows closer everyday.

The character I am building on this journey we call life.
Is the character that gives me hope and that it will be all right.
And the hope I find in Jesus is a hope of better things.
So I will wait in sweet contentment for the next step that He brings.

In that place of sweet contentment, the Father He whispers gently in our ears.
But on the journey to contentment and through the breaking
His voice shouts loud and clear.
for the pain that I have known has brought me closer still.
To that place of sweet contentment in brokenness but then...

The character I am building on this journey we call life.
Is the character that gives me hope and that it will be all right.
And the hope I find in Jesus is a hope of better things.
So I will wait in sweet contentment for the next step that he brings.

http://www.myspace.com/liannaklassen/music/songs/sweet-contentment-77376745

Sweet Contentment

The character I am building on
this journey we call life.
Is the character that gives me hope
and that it will be all right.
And the hope I find in Jesus
is a hope of better things.
So I will wait in sweet contentment
for the next step that he brings.
Sweet Contentment by Lianna Klassen

Rude People

What constitutes rudeness in one situation can be entirely acceptable in another. It all depends on the culture and setting. I recently encounter a very rude person on a TMJD group. I have been googling about the Vitek implants and came across a link to the group. At first, they all seem friendly and welcoming. From the beginning I had issues with the site. The background was a bright green color, which gave me a headache. They had so many advertisements it would lock up my computer. When I could get my computer to move around on the messages it was difficult to follow who wrote what and I would miss comments.

When one of the members or owners, I am not sure who was what, said they had a lot of information on the Vitek implants and offered to help and share what she had accumulated. I innocently posted the following: "Lisa, Thanks for the offer of help. I am glad someone is keeping up on all this information. Would you guys consider starting a Viteck/Implant survivor community over on google plus. I really like the way communities work over there. I am having trouble with my computer locking up here and getting a little lost. Thanks again for all the information. Bren"

Patti, one of the owners of the group, responded by saying " Do you think it is RUDE of a new person coming on the site and trying to get people to go to another group? I DO!!!" Then people started placating this very rude, angry, and insecure person....we know what a heart you have for this group...no one wants to leave...she then went on to say "I don't know what makes ppl with implants think they are so special or elite they need their own group. I will NOT tolerate anyone coming in here trolling for ppl and trying to get our members to go to another group."

I then responded to Patti stating that... I do NOT have a group on implants...I was not coming on to troll for people...Lisa, was offering to share information and I just asked if she was interested in starting a group...People with implants are not special or elite, but there is a lot of information to be shared about what happened with the implants. Her response to my comment was to remove me from the group. Now from my point of view she was very rude.

So, how do you deal with rude people. They have a six step approach over at: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Rude-People. The Bible says "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful" 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. It is difficult not to deal with rude people rudely. I bit my tongue and wished Patti the best after I tried to explain where I was coming from. My flesh wanted to respond very differently. God calls us to respond in love.

Responding in love doesn't mean you don't feel anger or have hurt feelings, it means choosing not to respond in your flesh... it means, with the power of the Holy Spirit, rising above the circumstances. Lord, help me rise above my circumstances and respond in love. I wrote more on Love and Hatred. I just might start a group for Vitek Implants after all of this. Right now it is all I can do to blog and I need to check my spirit. I need to make sure I am responding in a spirit of love not a spirit of hate, else I might treat people rudely.

~ Update ~

I did decide to start a group/community on Google Plus. I love the way communities work on their site. Google Plus is a free social network similar to Facebook . If you are a Vitek TMJ Implant survivor please join us @ Vitek Survivors.

Vitek TMJ Implant

My history with the Vitek Proplast Teflon Temporomandibular Implants began in 1984. I had a jaw injury and after 3 years of therapy it was recommended I get the implants in 1987. I had them in for 5 years of pure hell and they were removed after the recall. Within 3 months the implants had completely eroded my condyles and caused an autoimmune reaction throughout my body.

When I was younger I did a lot of research and went to a lot of different physicians and therapists. I even spoke with Dr. Christensen, the inventor of the Christensen jaw implant. When I told him about my head swelling up after the implants were put in he asked if I was allergic to metal. I told him I didn't even wear a wedding ring. He said not only could I not get his implant, but that I should never have had the implants in the first place, regardless of the later recall.

I was never asked those questions, nor did I know they were going to put 8 metal screws in my skull. I finally resolved myself that nothing could be done. The oral surgeons knew the implants caused systemic problems, but they didn't deal with the rest of your body. Most physicians wanted to act like the implants didn't exist. If it wasn't in their medical training...it didn't exist. As the years went by I became more and more of a vegetable.

I have just started treatment with a new pain specialist. As I looked over the test schedule, I noticed he order a CT scan of my mandible. I am optimistic that I finally found someone who is going to treat me as a whole. After all these years I decided to look online to see what is out there. After reading several stories online I have decided to go into more detail about my experience with the Vitek implants.

8/24/15 - The pain specialist said he had never seen anything like the damage shown in my CT scan. His only solution was to prescribe Oxycontin, which I do not tolerate. I still do not have any answers. All I can offer is confirmation to other survivors that they are not alone. What has helped me is Neurontin - for the nerve pain, muscle relaxers - for spasms, hot packs and a TENS for pain. Above all, plenty of rest.

If you are a Vitek TMJ Implant survivor please join us on Google Plus communities @ Vitek Survivors.